Don't Let Me Go
by Narniaqueen1300
Summary: When Peter left for the University, Edmund was crushed. But when his older brother returns for a visit, will Edmund be able to be honest with him about his feelings? A brother-fic, no slash or incest. Just brotherly bonding.


"No….No!" The dark haired 17 year old boy woke abruptly, his forehead drenched in sweat. He sat up, throwing the comforter off of him, and glancing around his room. He heard his clock ticking in the corner, and realized it was half-past 2:00am. It had been a dream…just a dream…

He wiped his forehead and sunk down in his bed. By the lion, why had it felt so real? What was this, the 9th night in a row now?

Edmund reached over to his nightstand, feeling for his glass of water he kept there. Taking a sip, he tried to shut out the images from the nightmare. They were always the same every night: the White Witch, the wolves, and the ruins of Cair Paravel. Ever since returning from Narnia the last time, he had gotten them. As a matter of fact, he had them so often, he just expected them to come now.

Flicking on the lamp switch, Edmund sighed, and glanced across the room to where Peter's old bed was in the corner. It was neatly made, and his side of the room was completely bare and empty, save an old book or two and a lone pencil. A thick layer of dust now covered his wooden desk, from lack of use.

Edmund missed Peter's company often, ever since he had left for the university. He missed having his older brother there with him, by his side. Edmund had always gotten the nightmares, but at least when Peter had been here it had made them bearable. As a matter of fact, Peter was often the one to wake him up from them before Edmund came to full conscientious. Peter had always sensed when something was bothering any of his siblings. At times, Edmund had complained about his brother's perceptiveness, accusing him of being somewhat overbearing.

"just leave me alone Pete. I'm fine!" He would lie to him.

"No you're not, Ed," Peter would respond. But he wouldn't push.

Now Edmund wished Peter was here right now, asking what was wrong.

But he wasn't. Which meant that he would go on facing his night terrors alone.

Peter was doing what was best for his future, Edmund told himself more than once. He was glad of that, for it would hopefully help Peter find his purpose here in England, going to school and studying medicine. But that hadn't stopped Edmund's silent tears the day his brother left about eight months ago.

In Narnia, the two had done everything together. They had ruled, fought, and trained together.

As a matter of fact, they had pretty much never left each other's side except on the rarest of occasions when one of them had to settle matters with the surrounding countries, and someone had to stay and govern Narnia in the other's absence. Beyond that, the two brothers were inseparable. Peter and Edmund had always had a very close relationship with their sisters, and the four of them were closer than most families, but even that wasn't the same as the closeness Peter and Edmund had shared.

They had supported and defended one another in the courtroom, and on the battlefield.

They probably got along so well because they complimented each others personalities. Edmund was the strategizer, and Peter the leader. Edmund would write the laws, Peter would enforce them. It had always been that way.

When the girls would stay back home at the castle, the two brothers would be the ones to go out and fight together, conquering new lands, and defending the ones they possessed. Susan and Lucy didn't even know all they had been through together, and in the boy's minds, things were better that way. The brothers purposefully kept out the gory details of combat from them, not wanting to worry them needlessly. Yes, the two kings had been through much together.

When Peter left for the university, it was the first time Edmund really felt alone, since the White Witch's camp long ago. He had his sisters, but it just wasn't the same as having his older brother there with him.

Things were different, much different since Peter had left. Susan had often preferred the company of her 'friends' instead of her family, and Lucy was having a hard time as well. Peter had always been the first one she went to when she had a problem, but with him gone, it was Edmund she clung to. Edmund had tried to be 'Peter' to her, but after a short time, he realized that no one could replace their oldest brother.

Peter was the glue, holding them together. Without him here, the family was beginning to drift apart. And Edmund worried for them all. Oh, how he wished he could be more like his brother in times like this! Peter would know what to do. But all he had been able to do was write letters to him, and Edmund couldn't properly express all his feelings in that way, no matter how skillful with a pen he might be. How could he explain to Peter how insecure and helpless he felt without him here? He felt…bare, empty, exposed. Like his protective covering had been stripped from him. Ah, hadn't it? Wasn't that what Peter had been, to all of them?

Edmund had seen his father only briefly for the holidays this last December, when he had been allowed to come home for a couple days. And while it should have been a merry occasion, it was difficult for Edmund seeing a man in their midst, who was part of their family, that they had really never known. He had been gone since the war started, which was most of Edmund's childhood. They were strangers. Peter was the one who had filled that fatherly role to all of them, both in Narnia and in England. It just hadn't sat well with Edmund to see this new man, who was their father, taking what had always been Peter's position when Peter wasn't there. Though Edmund felt horrible for thinking it, he had almost been relieved when the man left.

Edmund had never liked change. Adventure, yes, but not change. It never sat well with him. Susan was the same way, as opposed to Lucy and Peter, who relished new situations. After all, hadn't it been the two of them who had to coax Susan and himself to go along and stay in Narnia?

Having spent the good part of a century getting used to Peter's protectiveness and leadership, Edmund wasn't ready to just let it go to someone else, no matter who he might be. And Edmund was pretty sure that Peter wasn't ready to let it go either.

Edmund hoped his brother would come home soon….then he could explain everything to him. He would understand how helpless Edmund felt. And he would know what to do. All Edmund could do now was wait…and wait…

"Edmund! Edmund wake up!" The 13 year old girl bounced into Edmund's room, shaking him awake. He moaned, irritated at being woken at such an ungodly hour when he hadn't slept well that night. Why did Lucy have to always rise so early?

"What is it Lucy?" He rolled over as he felt something shoved in his face.

"Look!"

"What in the bloody—"

"Look!"

Edmund blinked his eyes open and lifted the envelope up that Lucy had put in his face. He squinted as Lucy opened his window, recoiling at the bright sunlight that streamed into the room.

"Have you read it yet?" She inquired, jumping onto his bed beside him.

"By the lion Lucy, give me a minute!"

She didn't. Snatching up the precious envelope, she pulled the letter out and unfolded it, smoothing the paper out. Edmund glanced at the address, finally making sense of things.

"It's a letter from Peter," He observed. Lucy nodded enthusiastically.

"Well, don't you even want to hear what it says?" She asked., then without giving him time to answer, she read out loud and clear, "Dear Mum, Su, Edmund, and Lucy, I apologize it has taken me so long to write. It has been quite busy here with the term coming to an end, and final exams, but they are thankfully almost over. I will be coming home for the summer, and can spend the holiday with you all. I will be home in about two weeks, and cant wait to see everyone. Best wishes, and love to you all, Peter. P.S. Thank you Lucy, for the drawing of the lion you sent me. I hung it up by my desk in my dorm where I can see it every day." Lucy bounced with happiness as she refolded the letter. "Can you believe it? He's coming home!"

Edmund sighed with joy. Finally. Finally, Peter was coming back. At last…

He then thought of something. "Lucy, when is the date on that letter?"

"Urm..April 30th I believe."

"And postage takes about two weeks, which means that he could be arriving any day now," Edmund calculated.

Lucy's eyes widened. "Yes! You're right! Oh my, I hadn't thought of that!" She tugged at his arm. "Come on then! Hurry up! We have to get everything ready!"

"At least let me get dressed first Lu!"

"Oh, fine fine!" She skipped out, in eager anticipation for Peter's arrival. As she left, Edmund watched her and saw a spark in her step that he hadn't seen in a long time. Perhaps with Peter's return for the summer, things would be different with their family. He knew Lucy would be happier. Maybe Susan would even begin to quit her foolish behavior with him here. And maybe, just maybe, Edmund's dreams would be better with Peter back home…

The next day, Lucy rose extra early to make breakfast for everyone. Peter's train would be arriving today, and they would need to leave soon to go to the station. Susan walked into the room, already dressed and ready for the day, while Lucy set the kettle on the stove.

"Lucy, you're certainly up quite early! How long have you been down here?"

"Oh, about two hours or so. I don't mind. I always liked mornings," She replied.

"Yes, you always did," Susan said, a faraway look in her eyes for a second. Then she snapped out of whatever memory she was having. "Is Edmund up yet?"

"I don't think so. He'll probably be down soon though."

"Here, let me help you." She started cracking the eggs over a bowl.

Several moments later, a knock on the door startled the two girls from their cooking for a second. Then Susan resumed her work. "Probably the postman, he usually comes about this time."

"I'll get it," Lucy volunteered. Wiping her hands on her apron, she made her way to the front door.

"Yes, thank you—Peter?!" Her squeal of delight echoed through the house. Lucy threw herself into her brother's arms before he even got through the door.

"Lu!" Peter hugged her tightly as he dropped his suitcase, and Susan made her way to the door. "Peter! You're home early!" She exclaimed, as Lucy stepped aside so she could embrace him. Their mother came into the room and hugged her eldest son tightly. "Peter! What brings you back so quickly? We've missed you!"

"The train got in early, and I didn't want to wait," He replied, grinning. His heart felt full at seeing his family again. He didn't realize just how much he had missed them until now. As he released his mother, he glanced around the room. "Where's Edmund?"

"He's upstairs, he was taking a shower I believe," Lucy replied. "He must be done by now though."

"Ah, I see,"

Susan picked up his suitcase and ushered them all inside. "Sit down Peter. You must be tired from your trip," She suggested.

Peter put his hand on her shoulder, just now noticing how much his sister had changed in his absence. She was almost a different person. Perhaps that was just because of her age, but Peter sensed something more was going on with her. They would talk later. For now, he needed to see Edmund. "It was an early morning, but I have someone I need to say hi to first. I'll be down in a bit."

Peter climbed up the familiar stairs, and went down the hall. He felt as though he hadnt left at all. When he reached his bedroom door, he knocked lightly.

"Yes, Lucy, I'm almost ready to go. Give me a minute," A muffled response came as Peter cracked the door a little.

"Is it alright if I come in?"

Edmunds heart nearly skipped a beat. Could it be? Dropping his comb, he flung open the door. "P…Peter?" He stood still in the door frame, taking in the scene. "You're…"

"The train cam in early," Peter said as he studied Edmund's face for a moment. In it, along with surprise, he saw something in his eyes that had not been there before: pain mixed with relief.

Blinking back tears, Edmund slowly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his brother. Peter pulled him close, as Edmund held onto him with desperation. Why, he didn't know. But he did know that Edmund needed him right now, and that whatever had been going on had affected Edmund to the core.

"You're home…you're home…" He said into Peter's shoulder. Edmund didn't stop his tears as he clung to his brother tightly.

"Shh…You don't need to cry Ed. I'm here now," Peter attempted to soothe him as he held him fast. Peter felt as though they were children again, and remembered the day on the battlefield when Edmund had been stabbed by the witch. He had clung to him as fiercely as he did now.

Peter's little brother shook as he sobbed, releasing all of his pent up emotions into Peter's arms, while Peter stroked his back. He didn't know what it was that troubled Edmund so, but he knew he wasn't going to let him face it alone.

Later that night, after a long day of outings and catching up, it was finally time for bed. All day, Peter's family had stuck to him like glue, but especially Edmund. He hadnt really left his side all day, as they went place after place.

Now here they were, much like old times, ready for bed. Peter wanted to say something, because he knew Edmund had something on his mind that he wasn't sharing. After several long moments of silence, Peter looked over at Edmund across the room.

"Ok Ed, what is it?"

Edmund shifted. "Nothing."

Peter propped himself up on his side with his arm, deliberately facing him. "Come on Ed, I know you too well. What are these doing here? " Peter held up some crumpled papers in his hand and immediately caught Edmund's attention. They had the symbol of the British army on them, and also the stamp of denial to enter.

"You're too young and you know it." Peter sat up, suddenly serious.

Edmund stood uncomfortably. "I can lie about my age."

"Evidently that didn't work so well for you when you tried though, did it?" He said harsher than he had intended, eyeing the stamp. They were silent for a moment. Then Peter spoke again.

"Ed, why?"

Edmund looked at the papers angrily, then at Peter. "You don't know what it's like, what its been like around here since you left! It's been horrible, and I cant do a damn thing about it!" He hit the wall in frustration.

Peter knew that Edmund didn't get angry very often, or talk openly, but when he did, there was always something really wrong. He stood.

"What is it Edmund? I know you don't even want to join the army. You just want to get away from something that is bothering you here. And it's been weighing on you all day."

"All day…all week…all year…" He abruptly turned away, hiding his tears. "Everything's been so different with you gone Peter. Susan's changed, I've changed, even Lucy is different. I tried Peter. I really did. For a long time. I tried to be you. But I can't, even when I wish I could. And with the dreams…" He knew he didn't make any sense as he trailed off.

Peter understood.

"You still get the nightmares?"

"Right on schedule, every night," Edmund faced him. "Since you've been gone, they…"

"They've gotten worse?"

"Yeah. A lot worse," Edmund said and shook his head. "I'm just tired Peter. Tired of doing this thing alone. I don't tell the girls, because I know Lucy would be upset, and Susan doesn't like to talk about Narnia really anymore…"

Peter had picked up on that today about Susan. She was different than the girl he had left eight months ago. More quiet, reserved. And fake. That could be a lot of why Edmund was feeling the way he was.

"What are the dreams about?" Peter inquired. He hated seeing his brother in this state. It reminded him of those first several months of when they ruled. Edmund had changed for the better, but Peter knew he still had scars from the White Witch that he would always carry with him.

"I always dream the same things I guess. That you're gone, and I cant save you. Or the white witch is back, and I turn to her side and betray you all again. Sometimes I dream what would have happened if Aslan hadnt rescued me from her…" He shuddered at the thought, and sat down. "I still have a hard time forgiving myself for that sometimes."

Peter walked over to Edmund's bed. Sitting down, he put his arm around his little brother. "You cant blame yourself for that anymore Ed. Even Aslan said, 'What's done is done', remember?"

Edmund grunted. "But Aslan isn't here Peter. He's in Narnia. Were alone here."

Peter could relate, for only around a year ago he had gone through the exact same thing. As a matter of fact, it had been Edmund who had drawn him out of it. "Remember last September? You said something to me that I haven't forgotten, Ed. I don't need Narnia to be magnificent. Just as you don't need it to be who you are."

A moment of silence rested between the two.

"But Aslan isn't here Peter." Edmund repeated after some time, in a chilled voice.

Peter drew in a breath and let it out slowly, thinking. After a moment, Peter got up and unbuttoned his brown bag. Edmund watched as he dug through it, searching for something. Peter eventually pulled out a a small, worn leather book.

"What is it?" Edmund asked.

Peter smoothed out the cover and went back over to his brother. "I need to tell you something Ed. I was going to wait until the girls were here too, but I think you should hear it now."

Edmund waited, expectantly. What was Peter talking about?

Peter studied the little book in his hand for a second before speaking. "When I first went away…I left because I was searching for answers. For a purpose. I thought that maybe by pursuing my education further, it would give me something to live for that was worthwhile." He paused, a distant look on his face. "It didn't. When I got to the university, I felt just as empty as I had before, if not more so."

Edmund's eyes were locked onto him, as he took in his every word.

Peter continued. "For a long while I felt like that. Empty. Sometimes I really did just want to give up, like I did that day at the river last year. Every night when my roommate was asleep, I cried out to Aslan. Why? I asked him over and over. Why would he send us all back? I was hopeless. You're letters were the only thing that really kept me going."

He met Edmund's eyes. "Then something happened. I cant even explain it, but I saw Him, Ed. He came to me in a dream one night, but not as a lion. As a person, as a light, and…" He stopped, unable to continue and held out the book to Edmund.

As Edmund took it, Peter said, "He's in here Ed. I don't know how to make sense of any of it, but He is in here. I think the answers you're looking for are as well…"

As Edmund opened the book to the first page, he could have sworn he heard the sound of a roar…


End file.
